


acid love

by partiallight



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Gaku is in this but I don't wanna clog his tag., Incest, M/M, set after part 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28421811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/partiallight/pseuds/partiallight
Summary: Kujo Tenn is stoic, Kujo Tenn is an idol. Kujo Tenn can reject proposals he has no interest in politely. Kujo Tenn can refuse to give his brother his contact information if it means he can avoid giving him more opportunities to find out what a pathetic person Tenn can be.(Avoid giving him opportunities to find out how much he still is Nanase Tenn.)Kujo Tenn cannot do anything if his agency announces and promises things to his fans without his knowledge. He would never disappoint his fans.[In which Tenn and Riku are on a three-day trip and they share a hotel room.] [Tenn-nii count: 69 Tenn-nii in 7668 words.]
Relationships: Kujou Ten/Nanase Riku
Comments: 11
Kudos: 55





	1. tell me, what is your “truth?”

**Author's Note:**

> i fell into the tennriku hole sorry

Kujo Tenn is stoic, Kujo Tenn is an idol. Kujo Tenn can reject proposals he has no interest in politely. Kujo Tenn can refuse to give his brother his contact information if it means he can avoid giving him more opportunities to find out what a pathetic person Kujo Tenn can be. 

(Avoid giving him opportunities to find out how much he still is Nanase Tenn.)

Kujo Tenn cannot do anything if his agency announces and promises things to his fans without his knowledge. He would never disappoint his fans.

“Gaku,” Tenn says, fixing his hair out of habit despite being about to go to bed soon. “Explain this.”

“We can’t have IDOLiSH7 get ahead of us, can we?” Gaku has that stupid smirk on his face again, and Tenn wants to punch him.

Kujo Tenn does not punch people, so he opts for glaring at him. “What do you mean?”

“Well, they had Nanase come to the singing workshop as a promotion. So I figured we should do the same.”

“That’s not necessary. Our sales are doing fine—”

“Well, we already aired the commercial. So you can’t back out anyway.” Gaku gets up from the couch of the living room. “Also, you’re rooming with Nanase.”

Tenn’s eyes widen. “I refuse, this is—”

That smirk again. “They don’t have that many VIP rooms, suck it up.” 

And Tenn has no choice but to suck it up. “The next time you do this, you will regret it.”

He will make sure of that.

* * *

The next day, Tenn wakes up to multiple messages from an unknown number.

He says unknown, but really he has Riku’s number memorized, he just refuses to add it to his address book. For his sake, and for Riku’s sake.

(He checks his messages anyway.)

[tenn-nii!! did you hear?? we are rooming together for the upcoming singing workshop!!

wait

you probably dislike that don’t you

sorry about that!!!! it wasn’t my idea either. i’ll try to stick to my side of the bed!!

but i’m really happy to see you!]

 _Fuck_. Right in the heart. Tenn stares at the messages for another whole minute before texting, [See you soon.].

He puts his phone under his pillow and sighs. And then it dawns on him.

 _His side of the bed_?

He buries his face in his pillow. “Damn you, Gaku.”

* * *

The day of the flight arrives way too fast for comfort. It’s across the country, and for some reason, Tenn has the sinking feeling that something bad is going to happen.

_I hate this._

The bad thing happens when something around his size bumps into him at the airport. He shuffles to get his sunglasses before someone can recognize him, but before he can do so, a tiny yelp comes from the other person. “Tenn-nii!”

_Of course._

“Quiet,” he mutters, putting the glasses back on and dragging Riku by his hand on autopilot. The air at the airport is bad and they still have time until the flight. He should take Riku outside.

That’s what Tenn does, no matter which one.

* * *

As soon as they are outside the side entrance of the airport, Riku pulls off his glasses and Tenn can see his eyes.

Those happiness-filled eyes that shine the most when he looks at Tenn.

“Tenn-nii!” RIku clearly restrains the urge to hug him, as usual, and Tenn appreciates it. “Aah, the air here is a lot better, isn’t it?”

“Really?,” Tenn lies. “I couldn’t tell.”

Riku looks at him with that sad puppy look and Tenn wants to eat his words immediately. “Anyway, when is your flight going then?”

“Presumably at the same time as yours, 7AM.”

“Wow, how did you know?”

_Gaku is a predictable person, that’s why._

Tenn chooses to go for an almost-lie, “I figured Yaotome Production would offer you to fly with us, considering it’s good for business relations.”

“Heh, you always know what’s going on around you, Tenn-nii.”

“As you should, too.”

“Hey, I haven’t had much sleep.” Riku yawns..

Tenn tries to think of the last time he’s had good sleep without medicine, and he can’t remember. “Sleep on the flight then. We have to be ready for the fans.”

“R-Right.” Then. “Hey, Tenn-nii.”

“What is it?”

“We have one of these three days off, right?” Riku has a faint blush on his face. “Can we spend that day together?”

Tenn’s entire body wants to say yes. His entire mind wants to say no. What comes out is, “We’ll see.”

And Riku seems happy enough with that.

* * *

Tenn finds out that indeed, they are in a jet with a bunch of staff and got assigned seats next to each other because of course it would be that way.

Riku is overjoyed, talking to Tenn about what Izumi Iori has told him about flight safety, and Tenn finds himself annoyed in ways he didn’t know he could be annoyed. He sits down by the window, hoping to be able to avoid looking at Riku’s face.

“I’m always a bit nervous when I fly.”

 _Of course you are_ , Tenn thinks. _The change in air pressure is poison to you_.

Tenn’s left hand instinctively finds its way to Riku’s when he notices Riku’s ever so slight trembling. He wants to pull back, but Riku looks at him with those hopeful eyes, and he can’t bear it. 

“Tenn-nii…”

“Riku.”

Tenn allows himself to not let go of Riku’s hand until the takeoff is done with.

That was his first mistake, with many more to come.

* * *

They spend the first few minutes of the flight in silence. Riku seems to have inched a bit closer to him, but other than that nothing has been done.

Tenn pointedly chooses to not look at him, and instead looks outside.

That is, until Riku speaks.

“I’m kind of dizzy,” Riku mutters, his voice strained. “Tenn-nii, is it just me or is the air in here kind of bad?”

The answer to that would be ‘both’, but Tenn chooses to not answer at all. Instead he says, “Try your inhaler? You don’t need to sing for a couple hours anyway.”

Riku nods, almost sad-looking, and goes through his bag. A look of panic settles in. “I…” He suppresses a cough. “I don’t have it with me.”

Tenn sighs, wordlessly pulling out a still-sealed inhaler and handing it to Riku. “Now you do.”

Riku’s eyes brighten up. “Tenn-nii! Wait, why do—” He begins coughing, and Tenn unseals the inhaler for him.

“Less talking.”

Riku complies, because this is what happened in their childhood, too. Riku forgetting his inhaler, Tenn being prepared for anything.

“Thank you, Tenn-nii…” Riku’s breathing seems to have calmed down. “But how did you know what my prescription is? I only changed it last month…”

The truth is that Tenn bribed Tamaki-kun into telling him by using King Pudding. He isn’t gonna say that, though, so instead he chooses to dodge the question. “Does it matter?”

And to Riku, it doesn’t really matter all that much, because he just smiles at Tenn. “Wanna watch some TV then?”

That turns out to be a bad choice, because airplane TV is just the DVD of the last TRIGGER tour.

And Riku is into it. He knows the songs too well. He sings them well, too, and Tenn is mesmerized. And he hates it.

He tries to look away, but the way Riku looks at the image of Tenn on the TV, the perfect Kujo Tenn, Tenn can’t help but to wonder if he likes that person better.

“What I wouldn’t give to be like Tenn-nii,” Riku mutters to himself. “You’re really cool, Tenn-nii!”

Tenn blinks. “What did you just say?”

“You’re really cool, Tenn-nii?”

“No, before that. You said you wanted to be like me.”

“I mean, yeah, who wouldn’t—”

“You shouldn’t. It’s nothing you could possibly handle.” Tenn glares ever so slightly.

Riku pouts. “You’re being mean again. I can be good idol, too—”

And in what has to be pure impulse, an impulse Tenn didn’t even know he had, he says, “In that case, want to test it? On our day off.”

“Eh? How?”

“We’re twins.”

“We look nothing alike!”

Riku has the self-awareness of a toddler sometimes, Tenn notices, and he sighs. “I’ll get the hair dye and lenses.”

That was Tenn’s worst mistake yet.

* * *

About an hour into the flight, Riku falls asleep on Tenn’s shoulder.

Tenn wants to move with every fiber of his being, but Riku’s steady breaths and the occasional “Tenn-nii” in his sleep won’t let him.

He doesn’t hate it. He likes—

No, he can’t. 

He inches away, further to the window, and Riku’s head slips off Tenn’s shoulder, landing in his lap.

 _Great_.

Tenn sighs, expecting Riku to wake up, but he doesn’t. So instead he covers Riku with his jacket and ever so slightly plays with his hair.

(He remembers the times Riku was sick and would sleep in his lap. He remembers his own heartbeat at the time, Nanase Tenn’s heartbeat. He remembers the way that heart broke on the night before he left.)

“Tenn-nii, don’t leave…”

_Eh?_

Tenn blinks, thinking Riku has woken up. But no. It’s just sleep talk.

_What have I done?_

He buries his face in Riku’s hair. “I’m long gone.”

* * *

The remaining forty minutes pass way too slowly for comfort, but they pass, and when it’s time to land, Tenn maneuvers Riku into a proper sitting position and wakes him up. “Riku.”

No reaction.

“Riku,” Tenn says a little louder.

“Five more minutes, Tenn-nii…”

 _Still a child sometimes_.

Tenn brings their foreheads together. “Riku.”

That makes Riku’s eyes snap open immediately. “Tenn-nii?!”

The way he smiles makes something inside Tenn stir, something that does not belong to Kujo Tenn. It’s a feeling that was supposed to have been buried alongside the name Nanase Tenn.

And yet.

Tenn backs away from Riku, pointedly looking outside the window. “The plane is about to land.”

“Oh. Thanks, Tenn-nii! You’re always looking out for me.”

_Of course I am._

After all, the members of IDOLiSH7 have not done a great job at it so far, though Tenn is sure both Riku and Izumi Iori would disagree.

* * *

The singing workshop turns out to be more of a meet-and-greet than anything else. At this point, TRIGGER and IDOLiSH7 have a lot of crossover between fans, so it’s only expected for a singing workshop to go that way.

Riku does a lot better in a setting where he only has to sing without dancing. And he sure did his homework on music theory, as Tenn finds out, because his vocal exercises come out way cleaner than expected.

“For how long have you been practicing like this, Riku?” It is a fan who asks the question that Tenn has been trying to resist asking.

“Ever since…” Riku looks at Tenn. “Ever since I was thirteen.” He laughs awkwardly.

 _Ever since I left_.

Tenn doesn’t want to look at Riku.

* * *

The first day ends without many problems, but it’s not like Tenn expected to have any. He dreaded what would come after.

The shared room.

What awaits them is a pretty decent dinner, and Tenn appreciates it. He didn’t want to cook for Riku—

(or maybe a part of him did)

—didn’t want Riku to think that things are like before now.

Eating in relative silence, Riku keeps glancing at Tenn every now and then. 

Tenn swallows a bite and asks, “Do I have something on my face?”

“No, it’s just… When I look at you, Tenn-nii, I’m always impressed by your perfection.” In the sunset-colored lighting on Riku’s face, Tenn can still see the blush.

He wants to say something mean, but what comes out is, “You should be more proud of yourself, too. Your singing today was good.”

Riku’s eyes brighten up, and it hurts. “Really, Tenn-nii? Thank you!”

Tenn looks away, focusing on his food. “But you drink too little.”

“Huh?”

“You sound dehydrated right now. It’s no good if someone were to meet you like that.”

That’s a lie Riku will believe, Tenn knows.

The truth is, he’s worried, and Riku won’t ever find out, even when Tenn breathes his last breath.

“That makes sense,” Riku concedes, and he takes a bite. “Hey, Tenn-nii. What do you do in your free time?”

“Preparing for the next job.”

“No, I mean, your free time.”

“An idol does not truly have that. My time belongs to my fans, and only them.”

Tenn expects silence, but instead Riku lets out a tiny laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“Good thing I’ve always been your fan then, right, Tenn-nii?”

Tenn feels his face heat up uncomfortably. “I’m. I’m heading to the bathroom.”

What he does is head to the bathroom door and look at the mirror.

The blush is written all over his face. It’s terrible. But that’s just the truth coming out— the one person who is meant to enjoy his voice, his looks, his hard work… it’s Riku.

“I wonder when you have become such a liar, Tenn-nii,” he hears Riku’s voice mutter behind him, uncharacteristically low.

“That’s what the business requires.”

“Even towards your own brother?”

“You are no longer my,” Tenn hesitates for one regretful second. “You are no longer my brother.”

He feels Riku’s arms around him. “Tenn-nii…”

This is different from before. Usually, Riku would be sad and disappointed or mad or any sort of reaction, really. Just not this.

_Is this because IDOLiSH7 are not here to help him?_

He forces himself to continue his act, “Didn’t you hear what I just said? Let go of me.”

But Riku doesn’t let go. “You know, I talked to everyone possible. All they kept saying is that Tenn-nii really cares for me, he just can’t show it and he has his own reasons. So I won’t let go of you now. Even if we weren’t brothers, I’d love Tenn-nii all the same.”

 _Fuck you, Gaku_. Tenn knows no other person who would know that and be enough of an asshole to tell Riku. And then, with a bit of delay, “You love me?”

“Of course.” Riku’s arms remain where they are. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Riku’s fingers suddenly feel incredibly hot through Tenn’s shirt. This is the worst.

“I…”

“And you said you love all your fans, too. So I’m sure it works, right?”

Tenn can’t see Riku’s smile, but he can hear it in his voice. It’s a sad smile.

He hears himself say, “It works.”

“I’m glad then, Tenn-nii.” Riku puts his head on Tenn’s shoulder. “I’m glad everyone was right.”

“Let’s.” Tenn tries to steady his breath. “Let’s watch TV.”

“Sure!”

_That was dangerous._

* * *

TV, apparently, does not play along today, because the drama Tenn starred in is airing right now and he already hates having to see it.

Being cast as 'the young boyish lover of the heroine' for one whole episode is nothing new, but he really doesn’t want Riku to see it.

Tenn attempts to switch channels, but Riku takes away the remote. “I want to see.”

So Tenn has to see it. The way the camera team focused in on every single spot of exposed skin on his body.

Again, this is not new, but he’s never been fond of it. Especially not when his little brother is watching.

The drama is not adult content or anything, it is just leaning into an angle they’d usually force on Ryuu. And while Tenn is glad Ryuu wasn’t forced to have that sort of job again considering his feelings about his image, he really doesn’t like this on himself either.

“Hey, Tenn-nii.”

“What is it?”

“That voice.” Riku’s breathing seems weird. “Do you do that for real, too?”

“What do you mean?” 

From the TV, Tenn hears his own voice. Out of breath, wanting. He knows the scene is about to fade to black.

“That voice,” Riku repeats.

“When would I ever have a chance to find out?” Tenn sighs.

Riku laughs sheepishly. Then, in the most quiet voice. “When you’re by yourself?”

“I don’t have that much time for— why am I answering this question?” Tenn sighs, glad that the sun has fully set by now so his expression isn’t visible.

“You’re still honest sometimes when we’re together.” RIku seems happy, and Tenn hates that it warms his heart.

* * *

And in what has to be the most cliché development, there was only one bed, as Riku had previously implied.

Tenn sighs. “I’ll call the hotel staff.”

“Let’s not bother them this late,” Riku says, smiling. “Besides, I heard they’re booked out beyond that by now.”

“I guess I can sleep on the couch.”

Riku pouts. “Don’t be like that, Tenn-nii. It’d be bad for your back, and that would impact your posture.”

_Like you of all people can talk. You fell asleep on me on a plane._

Tenn sighs and nods. “Just don’t bother me.”

He lost the second he was forced to agree to this trip. 

No.

He lost the second he was born as Nanase Riku’s brother.

Turning away from Riku, he begins to undress. He hears a yelp. “What’s wrong?”

When he turns around to Riku, he sees Riku’s faint blush. “It’s just that…”

“We’re twins, you’ve seen this sight before.”

“Fraternal twins! I look nothing like Tenn-nii.”

“You are as tall as me and I’m pretty sure we weigh the same.” Tenn says, knowing full-well they weigh the same because he is in possession of pretty much any magazine that has Riku in it.

“Still…”

“Undress.”

Riku complies reluctantly, and now they’re standing in front of each other in their underwear.

Tenn pulls Riku towards the mirror. “See that? Nearly identical.”

(Personally, he likes Riku’s body better, especially the feeling of his skin, but-..)

Riku blushes next to him. “Tenn-nii.”

“Yes?”

“You’re amazing.” And with that, Riku hastily puts on his pajamas and takes the right side of the bed, as he would in their childhood.

_Still cute._

Going to bed, Tenn pointedly looks away from Riku, turning his back to him. This feels like a bad idea in many, many ways.

“Good night, Tenn-nii.”

“Good night, Riku.”

* * *

Tenn wakes up to a pleasant, familiar smell as well as an equally pleasant warmth.

Sleepily, he tries to hug the source of the warmth closer and feels soft hair under his hands. 

_Riku still uses the same shampoo as back then, huh…_

“Tenn-nii…” 

It is then that Tenn is very suddenly very awake and very much aware of Riku’s body on top of him. _And he is still asleep_. 

Tenn glances at the alarm next to them. 7:30. He can still sleep.

He’d consider lifting Riku off of him, but he knows better than to try to do that. So instead he just sinks back into the warm sensation of pretending the last few years have not happened.

* * *

The next time Tenn opens his eyes, it’s to Riku’s voice softly saying, “Tenn-nii, we gotta wake up… we can’t waste the day like this...”

“First you gotta get off of me,” Tenn grumbles, but he kind of doesn’t really move, either.

“But you’re warm.”

“I wonder whose fault that is.”

Riku maneuvers himself into a sitting position, now straddling Tenn. He’s pouting. “It’s your fault for being warm!”

 _Move off of my crotch_ , is what Tenn thinks and shouldn’t say, so he says, “Get off of me.”

Riku reluctantly moves off of Tenn. Tenn can tell he’s still half-asleep, because he doesn’t register how intimate all of this is.

“By the way,” Tenn says as he, forced by a long-lost habit, makes breakfast for Riku. “Today is our day off, remember?”

“About that… Tenn-nii, were you serious? About the switching?”

“It’ll teach you to not make light of my work.”

Of course, that’s an excuse. All Tenn wants is an excuse to not have to interact with Riku as himself.

Interacting with Riku as Riku, however…

(Seems equally disastrous.)

Seems like a great idea to the part of Tenn that hates himself slightly more than usual.

And so Tenn takes out a bottle of spray-on hair dye. “Time to get us set up.”

* * *

Almost an hour later, their hair is done and Riku looks just like Kujo Tenn.

(But to Tenn, he looks much more genuine than Kujo Tenn will ever be.)

“How do I look, Tenn-nii?” Riku blinks a couple times, still getting used to the contact lenses.

“Like me,” Tenn deadpans and hands Riku a set of clothes. 

Riku seems happy enough with that, because he hugs the clothes for a bit before moving to put them on.

Now it’s Tenn’s turn. He tries to ignore the trace of Riku’s smell coming off of Riku’s clothes as he puts them on.

Tries to ignore the resurfacing memories of when they used to swap clothes all the time because it was fun.

(Tries to ignore the memory of Riku in the hospital, asking Tenn to leave his scarf there so he’d have something that smells like Tenn.)

“Something wrong, Tenn-nii?” 

Tenn shakes his head and looks at the mirror. A part of him really likes this and he hates it.

“This right here.” He hands Riku his phone. “Is why you don’t want to be me. Also, don’t backread.”

Riku nods and hands Tenn his phone. “Just don’t be mean to the others, okay?”

“Of course.”

_This was such a bad idea._

But there’s no going back, and they are about to head outside...

...when their doorbell rings.

* * *

“Excuse me. Can one or both of you fill in for a couple of hours? The schedule got swapped with an earlier version by accident and now all the guests are thinking you two are performing...” A really desperate-looking staff member stands in front of them, clearly fearful.

 _This is bad. We don’t have time to switch back_. Tenn is about to find a way to decline, but Riku speaks before he can.

“Of course we can,” Riku manages to say in a voice that sounds almost like Tenn’s, “We can’t have the fans go home disappointed.”

And Tenn understands. If these are their fans, they can’t disappoint them.

He understands, so he puts on his best impression of Riku’s smile and says, “Kujo-san is right. We’ll handle it.”

* * *

“Why did you do that?” Tenn sighs as they make their way towards the car.

“Why?” Riku blinks. “Because that’s what you would do.”

_He’s not wrong._

And for a lack of better options, they end up deciding on dueting each other’s solo songs to cover up for the differences in voices, and it feels…

(Way too good.)

Surreal. Tenn thinks about what he will tell Kujo-san, he thinks about how he will be able to return to distancing himself from Riku.

He thinks about the harmony of their voices, about how perfect Riku looks in his clothes.

(Thinks that Riku would look even better in some of the costumes they make for TRIGGER.)

“Encore! Encore!”

Tenn got too lost in the moment. He blinks and looks at Riku.

But Riku just gives him a confident smile. “Alright, here’s TRIGGER’s SECRET NIGHT!”

He should have known that Riku knows every single TRIGGER song by heart.


	2. i just fall in you

As soon as they get past the last encore, Riku breaks into a coughing fit inside a bathroom stall.

Tenn had figured as much, but none of the signs had been present beforehand this time.

_This is strange._

“Is there staff nearby?” Riku gets out in-between his coughs.

Tenn shakes his head but realizes that Riku can’t see that. “No. I will get—”

“No, they can’t—” Riku gets cut off by another cough.

“Riku.”

“I’m fine.”

“Riku. I will break open this lock if you don’t open it.”

(Tenn knows Riku will believe this threat considering the things Riku’s group members do.)

The door opens and Riku’s hand pulls him in before closing the door.”They can’t see.”

“Why?”

“Because I am acting as Kujo Tenn right now. I don’t want to—” Riku uses the wall for support. “I don’t want to cause Tenn-nii trouble.”

It is then that Tenn realizes how bad of an idea this was. He put Riku up to his own ridiculous standards by letting Riku act as him-

Tenn scrambles in his pockets for Riku’s inhaler. “It’s one thing if I don’t care about my health, because I can easily recover, but if you—”

“It’s the same, Tenn-nii. You would never disappoint your fans, so I won’t either.” Riku takes the inhaler, clearing his throat repeatedly afterwards. “Thanks, Tenn-nii.”

“Riku...”

* * *

Their taxi ride back to the hotel is uneventful. Riku’s phone gets a couple of messages and Tenn answers them like he would, wondering how IDOLiSH7 can be such a carefree group compared to TRIGGER.

[Remember to not call him Tenn-nii in public], Izumi Iori reminds Riku, because of course he does. Meanwhile Tamaki-kun wants Riku to ask about Aya.

Tenn decides to answer that. [aya is fine, tenn-nii says. she is very busy with her studies though ;;]

Next to him, Riku is still looking pale. He takes out Tenn’s phone.

“What are Ga… Yaotome-san and Tsunashi-san saying?” 

Never trust anyone, not even a taxi driver employed by the agency. Tenn keeps up the act.

“They’re saying I should not bully you.”

“I’m sure they don’t even have to tell you that.”

Riku gives him a doubtful glance. “Well, yeah.”

* * *

“Finally, fresh air…” Riku’s breathing is unsteady as they walk down the hallway to their hotel room, but at least he is standing upright.. “Tenn-nii? Thanks for earlier. And sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“Idiot. You could’ve ended up in the hospital had you not stopped there. And then what? Your lives would get delayed and you would disappoint your fans.”

“But your fans…”

“They’re not your fans.”

“But they were my responsibility…” Riku staggers a little. “Today…” He collapses.

“Riku!”

* * *

Tenn does not forgive himself for the weakness he showed that moment.

He does not forgive himself for carrying Riku to his bedroom. 

Does not forgive himself for washing Riku’s hair clean of the dye and putting him in pajamas.

Does not forgive himself for looking at Riku’s body before doing so.

Does not forgive himself for loving Nanase Riku in every possible way.

He does somewhat forgive himself for listening for Riku’s breath and sighing in relief when he realizes that Riku is fine.

(He will however never, ever forgive himself for the sin of having considered the thought of performing CPR on him exciting.)

His wrongdoings will not be forgiven. That’s why nobody can find out about this weekend.

In his lap, Riku stirs. “Tenn-nii?”

“You’ve woken up.”

“Oh, you’re back to normal. Your real hair color really does suit you better…” Riku laughs ever so slightly. “Wait, is this a dream?”

“Like last time, it really isn’t.” Tenn sighs.

“Then, are you gonna say mean things again?” Tenn can feel Riku tensing up.

“No. In fact, I want to apologize.”

“You have nothing to apologize for!”

“This was my idea and it caused this mess.”

“But I had fun!” Riku shifts a little, and Tenn is very aware of it. “It was fun.”

“Fun?” Tenn’s brows furrow. 

“Singing with Tenn-nii was always my dream. It’s everything I wanted.” Riku’s eyes show the hint of tears. “How could it not be fun?”

“But the swapping—”

“Was fun, too. I’ve never found myself this beautiful. I wondered if this is how you feel everyday.”

_If only you knew._

It is then that Riku’s face suddenly changes into a shade of dark red. “Wait. This pose... Is this…?”

“You still can’t sleep normally after attacks. It would be troublesome if you were not ready for the last day of the workshop tomorrow.”

“I see.” Riku doesn’t buy the lie and smiles at Tenn. “Thank you, Tenn-nii.”

It is then that Tenn hears the vibration of his phone. He checks the caller’s ID.

Kujo-san.

_Fuck. This is bad._

“I have to take this.” Tenn abruptly gets up, causing Riku’s head to fall into the pillow. 

He rushes out the door, closes it and takes the call. 

From the other end, he hears that man’s voice, disapproving in tone. “Having fun?”

“It’s been eventful.”

“He did a good job there as you.”

Tenn curses media coverage for getting good quality footage of that concert. Attempting to change the topic, he asks, “Anyway, why did you call me?”

“I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

That’s wrong, Tenn knows. He disappointed him there. This is the reminder. “I see.” It feels like he can’t breathe.

“You should try to practice that smile more. It seemed to go over well when he did it.” Kujo-san’s voice is louder than before, and Tenn realizes he accidentally put him on speaker for a bit. “Enjoy yourself, Tenn.”

And with that, he drops the call.

Tenn knows what it means when Kujo-san talks that way. It’s the same way he sometimes speaks about his failed products. It’s the same way he spoke to Tenn when Tenn admitted to having sung NATSU☆Shiyouze! with Riku and the others.

Disapproving, disappointed, tired.

Tenn hates that tone of voice.

_I failed._

He resents himself for having made decisions that allowed things to get this way.

He resents Riku’s endless talent and the body it’s limited by.

But most of all, he resents that they can’t just sing together.

He sighs and pockets his phone before opening the door, but—

“Ouch!” 

On the floor, there’s Riku, with a red spot on his forehead. “That hurt…”

“Why are you here?”

“Well…”

“You were eavesdropping.” 

“Not like you said much.” Riku pouts. “But you didn’t seem happy.”

Tenn shakes his head. “You read too much into it. Besides, should you really be up?”

“Tenn-nii, you’re shaking.”

“Shut up.”

“Tenn-nii…?”

“You don’t understand this.” Tenn walks into the room, past Riku. “And you never will, because you’re genuine.”

It would be so much easier if Kujo-san had taken both of them instead.

* * *

Tenn was almost surprised by the lack of resistance from Riku. Riku just silently got up and left.

And Tenn wanted to say, “Take a scarf, it might get cold”, but no words would come out.

Minutes pass in absolute silence.

Just him, his misery and the passage of time.

Until his phone lights up.

[oi tenn. why is your brother crying]

Gaku.

Tenn sighs and texts back, [None of your business.].

[he asked me if you hold a grudge against him. it's my business now]

[Did he call you?]

[you answer first]

Tenn really does not want to lie to his teammates. [Yes and no. Sometimes I want to have it as easy as him.]

[truly the words of a brat]

[Shut up. So?]

[i called him to chat because being in a room with you for 24 hours cannot be healthy]

At least Gaku is still up for jokes.

[I see. Where is he right now?]

[don’t know. he said something about proving it to you]

[Talk to you later.]

Tenn throws his phone on the bed and lies down.

He could go after Riku right now. If he went now, he’d probably find him with enough effort. Besides, the IDOLiSH7 staff probably have trackers on him at this point.

But he would have to explain that, too, and…

Maybe he should just go for a walk.

Maybe he will accidentally run into Riku.

 _Yeah_.

He is about to open the door when it hits his face.

“I’m back, Tenn-nii— Tenn nii! Are you okay?” Riku blinks at him from above.

Tenn wants to say something about the door that just hit his face, but instead his eyes are stuck on Riku’s.

Red, like he’d cried.

Tenn already knew that, though.

“Tenn-nii,” Riku says with an oddly soft voice before offering Tenn a hand.

Tenn does not take it and instead gets up on his own. “What?”

“Do you not think you are genuine?”

“My love for my fans is.”

“But you, as a person?”

“No.”

Riku sighs. “I thought you’re supposed to be the older one here.”

Tenn scowls. “What do you mean? Unlike you, I have my stuff together and—”

“But you still don’t know how to be honest to yourself.” Riku gives him a sad smile, and Tenn feels like he is being pitied.

“What do you know?”

“I know because I have friends who helped me learn how to be honest to myself.”

Tenn wants to say something about how he has TRIGGER, too, but he remembers how he keeps closing off his heart towards them.

Riku sits down at the table. “Will you sit with me?”

Tenn is always caught off-guard when Riku is confident, so he complies.

“You can be just as genuine as anyone else, Tenn-nii,” Riku takes a small pink box out of his jacket. “You just forgot.”

“What’s that?”

“Open it.” 

Tenn nods and takes the box and sees…

A donut. A singular donut with strawberry glaze, covered in chocolate sprinkles.

Exactly the way he likes it.

Just then…

Click.

“What?” Tenn frowns and looks at Riku, who has his phone in his hands.

“There.” Riku hands him his phone. “See? That’s a genuine smile.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about—”

“I heard the last thing Kujo said. And he’s wrong about your smile. The smile you give your fans is genuine. And if it ever isn’t, it’s because Kujo is putting too much pressure on you!” Riku looks at him with a look of determination in his eyes.

(It is then that Tenn recalls his blunder where he accidentally put Kujo-san on speaker.)

Tenn looks down at the phone to see himself, smiling in a way he hasn’t in a long time. “Genuine…”

“You’re an angel to me, Tenn-nii. But you don’t need to be perfect for that. I…” Riku looks at the floor. “I don’t expect you to change your attitude immediately. Just know that there are people who love you the way you are. Like me and Yaotome-san. Yaotome-san even called me to check in on you!”

Tenn blinks, feeling stupid for not having figured that out. “Someone like you—”

“Don’t say it.”

“You don’t even know what I want to say.”

“You’re gonna go on about how unlike you, Tenn-nii, I’m always genuine.” Riku sighs. “And that’s wrong. Because I am your twin, and we are both liars.”

“What do you—”

“I know you watch my performances. Otherwise you couldn’t have performed Dancing∞Beat back then. So I’m sure you know that I only feel good about half of them at best.”

“I don’t watch all of your performances.” Tenn tries to conceal his embarrassment.

“That’s not the point, Tenn-nii.” Riku pouts.

Tenn tries to think about Riku’s performances. Thinks of Riku’s eyes, always smiling… at the distance. “What do you smile like that for, then, if not genuinely?”

A tiny laugh escapes Riku. “I thought you’d know by now, Tenn-nii. I smile for another day where I can sing with my friends, one where I will feel better. Or for the day where you’ll ask me to sing with you.” He pauses for a bit, and then he looks away. “On some days, all that keeps me going are my memories of your dancing and singing.”

Tenn wonders when Riku has become such a good liar like him. In fact, he wonders so loudly that he accidentally asks it out loud.

Riku shakes his head and gets up, walking around the table and sitting down right next to Tenn. “You’re a bad liar, though, Tenn-nii. And I’ll prove it.”

“What do you—”

Riku leans forward, making their noses touch. His mouth inches closer to Tenn’s.

“Wait, Riku, we can’t do this, we’re—”

 _Brothers_.

“We’re what?” Riku does a smile like Tenn’s, not distancing himself in the slightest.

It’ll only hurt more if he acknowledges his past self, if he acknowledges Nanase Tenn. So the only thing he can do is take a breath and...

“Nothing.” Tenn says, and he lets himself fall backwards, pulling Riku with him.

There’s a moment where he sees Riku’s eyes widen with surprise and hurt, so Tenn closes his own as their lips touch.

For a while, time seems to stop.

Riku’s on top of him and Tenn feels like this should be victory, victory over Nanase Tenn. Victory over any remaining feelings of brotherly love he may have had for Riku. Victory over his weakness.

But instead it just feels like he’s fallen deeper.

Tenn breaks the kiss to mutter against Riku’s lips, “See? There’s nothing between us, that’s why we can do something like this.”

He feels salt on his lips.

Tears.

He doesn’t want to look at Riku’s crying face— or worse, find out it’s his own crying face— so he leans in for a kiss once more.

A part of him, he thinks, may have wanted this all along. Not like this, though.

_Not like this._

But it’s all he has now, so he savors the taste of the lips he used to only stare at. Takes breaks whenever Riku seems out of breath, letting him know that he loves him.

Letting Riku know that Tenn is a weak individual who told a bad lie.

“Tenn-nii,” Riku gets out between kisses. “Is this what you—”

“Who knows.” Tenn doesn’t want to tell him that this is what he always wanted.

He doesn’t want to talk about the first night after he saw Riku on TV.

Doesn’t want to talk about his diary from when they were kids, the forbidden feelings written there.

So instead of talking, he pulls Riku closer. “I want to test something.” He nibbles on Riku’s ear.

A gasp escapes Riku’s lips. “Tenn-nii, what—”

“I just figured that would be your weak spot.” Tenn continues to be a liar.

This just happens to be his own weak spot as well. It’s that easy.

He can’t tell whether Riku is buying the lies or not. For all he knows, Riku could have given up and been playing along.

He doesn’t know and he doesn’t care because Riku is softly nibbling at his lips now, his eyes seemingly focused on something just out of reach. “Tenn-nii.”

“Mhm.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Tenn is sure that Riku would much rather be embraced than kissed right now, but instead he kisses along Riku’s neck. 

Even if he once knew what he felt for Riku, he no longer knows. It could be anything or everything at this point.

“Tenn-nii,” Riku tries again, this time kissing Tenn more needily. “After this, when we’re back home, can we still…?”  
“If you make sure nobody sees it’s you. There’s enough rumours about TRIGGER and hookups anyway, so if they don’t know who you are, it won’t matter.” Tenn’s hands reflexively wander under Riku’s shirt, and he feels Riku shudder.

“Hookups,” Riku mutters against his lips before kissing his way down to Tenn’s collarbone.

He remains there, and Tenn lets out a noise he didn’t know he could make when Riku sucks at it gently.

“Riku, what are you—”

Riku lets go. “You make a different noise than on TV.”

“What did you expect?” Tenn touches the spot Riku was on, and he knows he’s been marked.

“I’m just happy I’m the only one who gets to hear Tenn-nii’s voice like this.”

Tenn feels his face heat up. “Don't think of it this way. This is just…”

“Just?”

“A temporary distraction.”

“I see,” Riku says, frantically blinking away the tears.

Tenn can see, and he knows. He allowed himself to show Riku these desires of his, just because he couldn’t admit to his other desires.

Just because he couldn’t admit that he loves Riku. As his brother, as his everything. Everything so far has been for him.

These feelings of lust and desire have always been secondary. They will always be.

But right now, all Tenn can do is pretend that they matter more than that. Matter more than the other things he feels for Riku.

He realizes Riku’s stare has been resting on him. “Hey, Tenn-nii.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re stubborn.” The tears start rolling past Riku’s face and onto Tenn’s. “You’re so stubborn you’d hurt anyone to avoid backing down.”

Tenn frowns. “That’s not true. I’d never hurt my—”

“Your fans? I am your biggest fan.”

“Do fans do this sort of thing with their idols?”

Riku continues to cry more, his breathing becoming shakier. “You’re… why would you go this far?”

Tenn scowls, sitting up, partially to ensure Riku wouldn’t have to remain half-leaning over him. “Why did you go this far?”

“Because I miss you, Tenn-nii.”

_That hurt._

“Maybe we should go to bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.” Tenn does not look at him.

“No, I will. It’s more elevated on there.”

Tenn can’t deny that, and he can’t help but to wonder what broke the spell that locked his and Riku’s lips together.

* * *

“And then we— we— no, I wouldn’t immediately do stuff like that, Yaotome-san!” Riku’s half-whispered voice is coming from the other room.

Tenn won’t get up. He puts in earbuds and tries to not listen.

Still…

“Yaotome-san, what should I do…? Alright. Right. Both? You think that will work? I’ll try!” 

Tenn sighs. He won’t get sleep tonight. 

* * *

The next day turns out to be better than expected.

He makes omurice for Riku in an attempt to not-quite-apologize, even though it is decidedly not the best food to have for breakfast, but Riku just gives him a sad stare as he eats it.

Tenn can’t safely say he understands how Riku feels. He can hardly understand how he himself feels.

 _Just talk it out_ , is what Gaku would say, presumably.

_Impossible._

The singing workshop doesn’t go any better. “Tenn, can you hold Riku’s hand for the fans?”

Can, yes. Want to, no.

It’s Riku who reaches out instead. With his pinky. Tenn remembers the gesture from their childhood. They rarely argued, but when they did, Riku would reconcile by offering his pinky.

_I hope this is a good sign._

Tenn accepts.

* * *

“Two hours until we need to be at the airport…” Riku looks around. “Tenn-nii? Wanna do me a favour?”

 _No. I want to hide and not make things worse_. “Sure.”

“Let’s go shopping. I want to pick something for you.” Riku doesn’t smile there. Instead, he looks determined.

So they get the glasses, the caps and the masks, and they go to the mall.

Riku seems very much aware of what he wants to get for Tenn, so Tenn isn’t going to complain. He just lets himself get dragged along.

What he ends up wearing is oddly similar in style to his performance outfits; black and pink, catering to… an audience that isn’t here. It’s more revealing than usual, too.

Riku seems satisfied. “You look amazing, Tenn-nii!”

Tenn feels the color of his face betray him yet again. “If you say so.”

“I have trouble finding words for what I feel for you, Tenn-nii.” Riku says in a slightly lower voice. “So I figured I’d show you how I see you.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tenn mutters. Sure, Riku is his age, but Riku’s attachment to Tenn transcends any logic.

“Before you say that, there’s more.” Riku smiles. “Let’s go buy this first.”

* * *

As they walk to a less crowded area, Tenn can’t help but to ask, “So, what was the purpose of this?”

“Turn around and close your eyes,” Riku says, and it almost sounds like an order, which makes Tenn chuckle.

He complies, and he feels metal against his neck.

“There. That’s the other thing I got you. You can check it out now.”

Tenn opens his eyes to see a star-shaped pendant. He can feel his hands shake as he opens it. 

A photo of himself and Riku, the year before Tenn left.

“That’s…”

“That’s the other way I feel about you, Tenn-nii.” Riku looks away, now blushing. In his hands, he’s holding an identical pendant.

“But earlier you—”

“I talked to Yaotome-san. He said those two don’t need to be mutually exclusive if I don’t want them to be.”

 _For heaven’s sake, Gaku_. Tenn can’t help but to smile a little, clenching his fist around the pendant. 

Riku doesn’t seem to like the silence much. “What about you, Tenn-nii? Will you keep lying to me?”

A part of Tenn really, really doesn’t want to self-sabotage again. Another part of him knows he’s gonna do it anyway.

What comes out is, “I will.” And then he steps towards Riku, interlocking their hands. “I’ll give you a hint, though. You should have searched my phone. The pendant is weak compared to that.”

The childhood pictures folder is very, very, very big.

“Eh?” Riku blinks. “Tenn-nii, you—”

“I’ll never let you have my phone again though.” Tenn almost smirks there, but he’s still feeling like he might fall into figurative lava at any moment. “Also. While I like this outfit, I’d get something more risqué for you.”

“You’re an angel to me, Tenn-nii.” Riku laughs. “So it couldn’t be too dirty.”

“Well, thankfully you’re not an angel, so I don’t have that problem.”

“It’s good I’m not an angel.” Riku steps closer to him. “That way, no one can get mad at me for this.”

His lips make chaste contact with Tenn’s.

This kiss is… different. It feels like everything their last conversation encompassed and more. He can still feel Riku’s pain, but also his love and his desire. And Tenn…

Tenn wants to deny that he feels as happy as he does.

He can’t, though.

So he just opens his eyes and stares into Riku’s, kisses back just a little before moving away again. “Let’s go to the airport. I might come along the soba guy next time you guys order soba.”

"You better do karaoke with me then, Tenn-nii!"

Tenn considers that for a moment.

Then.

"Sure."

* * *

Tenn still kind of wants to kill Gaku for this entire weekend.

But Tenn is on a plane right now and Riku is sleeping on his shoulder and whatever Kujo-san says can’t take away that moment.

Tenn’s smile will only get brighter.

For his biggest fan.

For Riku.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading  
> kujo tenn is pathetic and i love him


End file.
